11/12/2018
Alone Again (Naturally)
“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” ― Jodi Picoult
There are, admittedly, times when I want desperately to blend in. Feeling alone in a crowd. Feeling like the misfit stranger among friends at a party, bar, or any social setting. Trying to cling to a conversation. Trying to make eye contact. Yes, trying to fit in. I think it’s a situation we’ve all been in, so we can relate.
But the real sin seems to be when we are comfortable with our solitude. No one understands that. Everyone assumes that we are all pack animals — like dogs, we are not truly happy unless we are with a group.
If we go off to be alone, if we seek out solitude — it can only be because we are depressed. There is no virtue in quiet contemplation. No one can understand and no one even tries to sympathize to someone not trying to blend in.
But we don’t have to be monks to enjoy silence.
We are a society of contradictions. The same people who tell us to meditate, also wonder why we spend so much time alone. We want it all, a successful social life — being so busy we can never get bored, but with plenty of “me” time. Time to reflect, with a busy life to reflect upon. That just doesn’t add up.
People don’t have to disappoint in order to have a want to be alone. Being alone doesn’t have to mean dissatisfaction, with others or even self. We can love and be loved and still, at times, want to be alone.
I enjoy being alone. Not all the time, but I need some self-time to refuel my tank. Time to take inventory, time to think, and even time to veg out.
I can be alone in a crowd and not feel desperate for attention. To stand back and watch, not because I’m depressed, nor dissatisfied with my fellow man, but because I love being a witness. The silent observer. I love to play scenarios out in my head about what others are doing or thinking — I love to put myself in their shoes, even though I can never really know what that would be like. It’s fun to pretend. To image a life so different from my own. To wonder about motivation. Cause and effect can never truly be understood from afar when humans are involved.
So how can we presume to know another’s loneliness or depression?
Many people have times they are lonely, and some of those know depression, but does this have to be a pathway to su***de?
Sometimes I think we are making a grave mistake by making loneliness into such a problem. For if it wasn’t such a big deal maybe it wouldn’t lead to depression. Someone who’s feeling lonely doesn’t have to think that something is wrong with them. I think loneliness is healthy, it is grounding and tells us a lot about who we are. But today’s society makes it into such a travesty that I think when many get lonely they think that something must be wrong with them and that’s when they start to spiral down. Loneliness doesn’t have to equate to being unloved, even the well-loved get lonely.
All our emotions are healthy as long as we don’t get stuck. When full fledged into an emotion it is hard to realize there can be anything else. I know that even unbridled joy can bring me up on such I high that I, at the time, would swear there will never be any other feeling. It’s easy to get lost in an emotion.
Su***de is such an epidemic that I think there needs to be more help for people and less blaming. There will be other feelings, if given a chance. However, sometimes it’s only time that can make us realize that fact. Loneliness cannot be forced out of someone, or even shamed out of them. It doesn’t even have to be understood — just accepted. Patience is something seldom taught, or even expressed from the outside (Leading be example.)
The best we can do is to be there for someone after they come out from their emotional box, and perhaps if they see us there beforehand, waiting on the other side of that depression, it will give them faith that they will eventually come out of it.
Sometimes when we lose belief all we need is another near to realize our state doesn’t have to be permanent. There doesn’t have to be blame of others, or of oneself, if we come to understand that loneliness is a natural state and not something to be feared.
“Left unattended,
What do we do?
What do we do?
Alone again, naturally.” — Gilbert O’Sullivan
Tim Uhr
[email protected] what do you fear?
