06/06/2026
HELL'S LABYRINTH...
My daughter, Chloe, and her husband, Ethan, bought a house in the hell known as Montclair and now reside there with their son the 1 yo LIL E (Emerson).
As the crow flies, Montclair is so very close but a crow, I am not, at least as far as I know. If you are driving, it takes an eternity to get from Albany to Montclair. I could probably get to Tyler and Emily's place in Brooklyn in about the same time.
LIL E had his first birthday party at a home in the same aforementioned hell hill. While I can see the attraction, with beautiful views and a park like feel. Navigating the mountain or hill, whatever the hell it is, is daunting. Miss your driveway on a foggy night and you plunge to depths unknown.
Driving back from Lil E's party, I got lost which was fine with my trusty mapquest until my phone died at which time I knew the evil hill would get me.
Fortunately, two things came to mind that would assuredly save me. One, boy scouts..."Follow the hill down until you find water. Then follow the water down until you reach civilization." Or something like that. Regardless, I turned down every road I could, repeating, "I am water."
Two, The movie, The Martian, which I had just watched the night before. Matt Damon is left alone on Mars, thinking he will be there for years, he immediately takes stock of his provisions and I do the same. I came up with 1/4 bag of sour cream and onion potato chips. I know I would never knowingly buy a bag of sour cream and onion chips so i either bought them unknowingly (possible) or someone snuck them into my car. Either way, I figure I could survive a full day off that bag. Next I found three Starburst, affording me another 10 minutes of life. I found no liquids but since "I am water" I wasn't overly concerned.
Suddenly a white ball rolled past my car, also apparently looking for water. I chuckled to myself thinking back to my youth in Orinda, everybody knew somebody who lived on a hill. Playing any kind of sport involving a ball the most important thing was just not letting the ball roll down the hill. Forgetting that would result in you running down the hill and walking back up with the ball. After the third or fourth time, you'd say screw the ball, game over. Knowing that there would probably be a kid chasing the ball, I slowed down. I may be water but I still had brakes, which, by the way, were starting to smell from the relentless downhill drive.
The kid never materialized and I assumed that somewhere, somebody was saying "game over."
After another quarter mile of downhill drift and burning brakes, I was contemplating eating my rations when another white ball, bounded across the street in front of me. There were no houses In the direction that it had come from. Obviously, hell mountain playing its hellish tricks. I started to notice the street names becoming increasingly sinister. Names like Snake and Gun. My rations beckoning as if to say only a fool would succumb while still having uneaten food. And then, suddenly, the town of Montclair presented itself.
I staved off death for at least another day. I am left wondering what were those white balls all about? Where was the water?
Despite the stress of dealing with Hell Mountain, it was all worth it to see my grandson at LIL E'S, birthday party. Reminding me that I get to meet my NY grandson, LB ( Leo Brooks), for the first time in August. Life is good.