O'Blarney's

10/31/2025

It's Halloween. Whatever. Shut up.

Pains me to tell you jagoffs that O'Blarney's is at extreme risk of shutting down due to our financials. We've had a dozen lawsuits and twelve deaths in the past month alone, slowly sucking our money dry like your Mom when she helps with the plumbing.

Anyways, I need, err... I mean, WE need 2 million 2 hundred and 17 thousand dollars and 14 cents in order to keep the business running. Hit me up in the DMs so I can share my personal... errr, I mean, share OUR business account to wire your money to.

PS: Anybody know how to adjust privacy settings on the socials to block certain members of a mafia outlet that may or may not exist that I may or may not owe 2 million 2 hundred and 17 thousand dollars and 14 cents to? Asking for a friend.

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08/20/2024

Hey, all you f**k heads. Do you like football? The NFL season is right around the corner. And while we do have a couple of tube TVs that show mostly static, we will not be airing sports this year, or ever. We honestly can't afford cable. Prices for that s**t is wonky bonkers. If you REALLY want us to play sports for you, then pay our god damn cable bill. OR... Come in and watch the games or track your fantasy stats from your phones. The most important piece in all of this is DRANK! And we have plenty of that. It might not taste good. In fact, it tastes like hot dead animal dumpsters, but it'll still get you drunk. See you soon or die. Just kidding. We won't kill you. But seriously. We own a phone book from 1992, and that s**t includes addresses.

03/16/2024

Come one, come all! We are open extra early for St Patrick’s day today! Corned beef and cabbage on special, but it’s BYOB- (bring your own buttplugs) bc our toilet is broken so NO SH*TS ALLOWED!!

Or we’ll beat you with a stick.

02/04/2024

Attention customers: Collecting old, used socks and other various undergarments. Something huge is on the way, and we're not talking about Steve's veiny c**k!

02/17/2023

Just one of the owners checking in from the crapper. Yup, that's right. I just can't stop s**tting for some reason. I've been sitting here so long I might end up with a permanent ass divot. I got bored with p**n (finished twice) and decided, errrr, uh, hold up, grunt grunt grunt FART SPLAT SPLASH, phew, okay, I'm back. Anyways, yeah, I got bored so I thought I'd check in with our social media audience and see what's what. Thinking about being cute and sending a selfie, AKA poofie. Maybe even a picture of my turd if you play your cards right.

05/20/2022

Ladies, Gents, all you’s inbetweeners and what ever.

We are running specials on Paul walker bombs all weekend, Irish Car Bombs followed by a fireball.

Pitter patter, let’s get at’er

Rather than baseball or the ponies, this weekend we will be streaming 1970’s p**nography versions of childrens movies so stop on by for some good old fashion family fun and as always, kids eat free

(legals says I have to let you know kids aren’t allowed inside)

04/07/2022

How is our gargantuan fan base doing today? Share something dumb. Win a free drink. It's easy.

03/18/2022

Wieners. That's all.

Oh, go blow it out your ass hole.

03/17/2021

O'Blarney's hasn't had a customer in 12 months. And no, we were not closed during the pandemic. I guess people must have assumed we were unsanitary or some s**t, and considered the best establishment in town as a high risk zone for the virus. Well, despite the strange stench, odd yellow tints and brown and white stains, I'm here to remind you that we are safe, clean and open for business. Between our entire staff of 3 people, including the j**z mopper, we only had a total of at least 17 positive cases in the last 3 months. Those numbers aren't bad at all. So stop being a bunch of Nancies and pop on by for a drink. We even added a new toe cleaning booth, complete with a creepy and oddly hairy, old man holding a rusty chisel. We added that for YOU! Even through our desperate financial struggles, we were still thinking about the customer. The customer that we haven't seen in a year. The customer that better stop being a selfish prick and get his ass over here for a drink immediately!

03/14/2020

We gotta new slogan! O'Blarneys, the only establishment with the plums to encourage spreading COVID-19. Pop by tonight for a hand sanitizer, soap, and toilet paper bonfire. Cuz who needs that s**t? Perfect way to break in our favorite weekend of the year! Happy Patty's, y'cunts!!!

03/12/2020

Who wants to drink some beers and spread some germs this weekend? O'Blarney's sure does. Plan a pit stop for your Patty's Day plans and get lit with us. We'll have all kinds of disgusting drinks and specials ready to go!