09/09/2026
TECHE-X SPACEPORT SURVEY CREW DISCOVERS SEVEN CASTAWAYS STRANDED ON CATAHOULA ISLAND
Teche-X CEO T-Lon Musque announced today that a company survey crew searching St. Martin Parish for a suitable spaceport location has discovered seven people who have been stranded on Catahoula Island for several years.
The castaways disappeared after departing aboard the airboat S.S. Minneaux for what was advertised as a three-hour swamp tour.
According to Teche-X investigators, the airboat suffered a catastrophic mechanical failure shortly after the first mate attempted to remove a plastic grocery bag from the propeller using a boat paddle.
The seven survivors are:
The captain of the S.S. Minneaux
His enthusiastic but mechanically questionable first mate
A professor from the prestigious University of Pecan Island
A wealthy couple from River Ranch
A weather lady from News 10
A young chef from Breaux Bridge who can make gumbo out of absolutely anything
Teche-X discovered the group after a satellite detected an unusual heat signature beneath the cypress trees. Engineers initially believed it was evidence of geothermal activity. It was later identified as a 40-gallon cast-iron pot containing nutria, wild mushrooms, canned corn and what the chef described as “a little emergency roux.”
“The gumbo was surprisingly balanced,” Musque said. “Teche-X has spent billions developing life-support technology for Mars, and this young woman kept seven people alive with one black pot, a wooden spoon and no measurable fear of sodium.”
The castaways reportedly attempted to escape Catahoula Island dozens of times.
Despite their ordeal, the group established a surprisingly comfortable settlement. Amenities include palmetto-roofed cabins, a bamboo weather station, a tiki bar and a restaurant serving a nightly tasting menu based entirely on whatever the chef caught, gathered or found floating past.
The River Ranch couple insisted that the camp be described as a “private waterfront development.”
Musque said the discovery strengthens Teche-X’s interest in St. Martin Parish.
“Catahoula Island offers everything we need in a spaceport: open sky, abundant water, minimal traffic and residents who have already demonstrated they can survive years without reliable transportation,” he explained. “That is basically astronaut training.”
When informed that rescue boats were on the way, the castaways reportedly asked whether they could wait until after supper.
The Breaux Bridge chef had just made potato salad for the gumbo.
Teche-X officials expect the seven castaways to return to civilization as soon as the captain, the first mate and three parish employees agree on which side of the levee technically qualifies as civilization.
