27/10/2026
🚨 DI’S BUDGET OBSERVATIONS: THE GHERKIN EDITION 🚨
Well, thank GOD for that.
I’ve been lying awake wondering how on earth families and small businesses are going to cope with rising costs, wages, bills and the general price of simply existing.
But apparently I needn’t have worried.
Because Andy and his mates are sorting out the tariffs on gherkins and marmalade. 🥒🍊
MARMALADE.
I’m sure Paddington will be absolutely overjoyed, sat on the bus with his cheaper marmalade butty, while the rest of us try to work out how to pay the bloody bills.
And as for the gherkins, Andy… I’ve got a suggestion for where you can put those. Whole. Sideways. 🥒
Apparently, the Government reckons the food tariff changes, including some already in place, could save households up to £21 a YEAR.
That’s £1.75 a month.
£1.75.
Well, blow me down. Best ring the bank and tell them to hold off on the direct debits while I wait for my gherkin windfall.
Meanwhile, we’re hearing that fuel duty is likely to be frozen again. The 5p cut dates back to the Conservatives in 2022. Avoiding an increase is welcome, of course it is, but when filling the car still costs a small fortune, forgive me if I don’t crack open the ch*****ne because the Government might decide not to make it worse.
And from where I’m standing behind the bar, I’d quite like to hear how any of this is going to help small businesses keep their doors open, pay their staff and still have something left at the end of the month.
Because I can tell you now: I can’t pay my wage bill in gherkins. I’ve checked. Penny wasn’t keen. 😂
The actual Budget is tomorrow, so perhaps there’s something more substantial still to come. I bloody hope so.
Until then, Andy, keep your marmalade, take your gherkins and have a good long think about what “breathing space” actually looks like for the people trying to keep this country going.
Spoiler: it doesn’t come in a jar. 🥒
It’s been a while since I’ve needed a Di rant but the gherkins have tipped me over the edge…..
