The Cracking Pint Stalybridge

The Cracking Pint Stalybridge Hello! Welcome to the Cracking Pint, a mirco-pub on Melbourne Street, Stalybridge!

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and the hundreds of tiny frogs swimming about in the vitreous of your eyeballs. Well, i...
11/09/2026

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and the hundreds of tiny frogs swimming about in the vitreous of your eyeballs. Well, it's that sad time of year when the warm fertility of summer begins to fade for another year. The days grow chill, the nights stretch longer and the leaves begin to yellow, wither and shower their putresence upon the earth. Circle of life, and all that palava. So, while you're hoarding berries for the upcoming winter, why not nip in for a delicious pint? Who knows, maybe those extra calories will save you from the vicious cold.

Tatton Brewery- Blonde (citrusy blonde, 4%)

Red Willow- Weightless (fruity session IPA, 4.2%)

Salopian- Darwin's Origin (copper bitter, 4.3%)

We hope to see you this weekend, and remember: When the moors begin to turn purple, it's not the heather coming into bloom. No, it's nothing but a vast bruise upon the flesh of the world itself, probably caused by banging into some cosmic door handle while rushing to the celestial bog. So remember to do your part in the world's healing by rubbing a bit of savlon into the moors this autumn, because it probably stings like a bu**er.

Anyway, cheerio!

Hello all, hope you're all galavanting along gratuitously. Now, please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth...
07/08/2026

Hello all, hope you're all galavanting along gratuitously. Now, please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste. I've been aroung for a long, long year, stolen many a man's soul and faith. This is, of course, a load of cobblers, but I do have an excellent selection of b**rs both on the stumps and in reserve that are so fiendishly good they may have been selected by the Devil himself to tempt you.

Black Edge- Pike (refreshing bitter, 4%)

Phoenix- Arizona (hoppy pale, 4.1%)

Black Edge- Calypso (smooth blonde, 4.1%)

We hope to see you this weekend, and I'll leave you with a brief animal fact straight from the mouth of David Bellamy himself: "All badgers are slags."

Cheerio!

Good afternoon all, hope you're all trotting along tenaciously. Well, July is almost over and the sun is still shining, ...
31/07/2026

Good afternoon all, hope you're all trotting along tenaciously. Well, July is almost over and the sun is still shining, the birds are still singing, the insects are singing the air is singing the walls are singing my kidneys are singing singing singing oh God everything's singing please God make it stop MAKE IT STOP.

*ahem*

Anyway, we have a lovely b**r selection for you this weekend if you care to refresh yourself in this lovely weather. Take a look:

Millstone- Tiger Rut (pale and hoppy, 4%)

Brightside- Time Bandit (golden ale, 4.2%)

Little Critters- Little Hopper (light and refreshing, 3.6%)

We hope to see you this weekend, and as I often do, I'll leave you with an amazing fact from the animal kingdom: Did you know that Hummingbirds only break wind once in their entire life? When near death, the doomed Hummingbird will release a lifetimes worth of flatulence in a single, powerful fart so violent that it explodes the birds delicate little body in a shower of blood, iridescent feathers and eggy fumes. Records show that the Aztecs used to use dying Hummingbirds as makeshift fireworks, marveling at the cascade of colour that resulted from their final, explosive death-fart. Fascinating, no?

Cheerio!

Afternoon all, hope you're all keeping cool as a cucumber, or indeed, as another vegetable of your choosing ( I recommen...
17/07/2026

Afternoon all, hope you're all keeping cool as a cucumber, or indeed, as another vegetable of your choosing ( I recommend the onion). Well, I'm sure like me you're all nice and sick of the smoke clouds choking Tameside of late like the sulphurous belches of a particularly flatulent Dragon. Well, have no fear, for we have just the thing for these hellishly hot and smokey times: B**r! And plenty of it! Were you expecting something different? 'Cos that's kind of our thing, you know.

Lancaster- IPA (session ipa, 4.2%)

Wantsum- Nala's American Pale (hoppy APA, 4.2%)

Millstone- South of Somewhere (light and refreshing, 4.4%)

We hope to see you this weekend, but while you're out enjoying yourselves, please spare a thought for all the Werewolves made homeless by the current moor fires. The ecological effects of the blaze cannot be overstated, but so many focus on the cute little bunny wabbits and bird thingies and completely ignore the disastrous effect this loss of habitat has on the local Werewolf population. So spare a thought for these unfortunate lycanthropes and perhaps donate to your local Werewolf shelter. Every little helps in these trying times.

Anyway, cheerio!

Evening all, hope you're all slithering along stupendously 'neath the sun slashed sky. Just a quick post informing you a...
03/07/2026

Evening all, hope you're all slithering along stupendously 'neath the sun slashed sky. Just a quick post informing you all of our b**r selection this weekend, each one chilled to perfection by our shiny new cooler which I have christened MEGATRON. This has absolutely nothing to do with any characters from preexisting TV/film franchises out there, and the very idea may well upset mighty MEGATRON. And I can do without that. Not doing without a cooler, I mean upsetting mighty MEGATRON.
Anyway, b**r!

Abbeydale: Heathen (hazy American pale, 4.1%)

Tatton: Session (fruity bitter, 3.7%)

Millstone- Tiger Rut (made with freshly squeezed tigers, 4%)

Right, hope to see you this weekend, and may I take this opportunity to say how disappointed I am with this this whole climate change business. I was hoping for something a little more absurd, like rains of sausages, feathery giants striding across the land farting out tornados, or the sky itself turning into a vast kaleidoscope as mysterious crystals form in the upper atmosphere and refract the light in a curious yet beautiful display of shifting patterns and colours. But no... it's just getting hotter and the trains are more knackered than usual. Bah, I say!

Anyway, cheerio!

27/06/2026

Evening all, hope you're all keeping cool and contorted. Anyway, good news! We have a new cooler and will be open as usual tomorrow (Sun 28th). So unless something catastrophic happens, such as an earthquake, a rain of eyeballs or a really big beetle with a gun, we should be good to go.

So, hope to see you tomorrow, just in time for us to close on Monday and Tuesday. Huzzah!

Evening all, hope you haven't all melted into your component molecules in the heat. Just a quick note to say that our co...
26/06/2026

Evening all, hope you haven't all melted into your component molecules in the heat. Just a quick note to say that our cooler has died and unfortunately we are having to close for the evening and possibly for the weekend until we can get it fixed.

Sorry for the inconvenience, and please join us in raising a glass to our deceased cooler, who gave so much and asked for so little. May your spirit chill the b**rs in the Halls of Valhalla.

We'll keep you posted, but for now, please accept our apologies and enjoy your evening. Cheerio.

18/06/2026

Afternoon all, hope everything is computing smoothly for you. Just a quick post to say that, unfortunately, we will not be opening today (Thursday 18th June, year of our Lord 2026). As you may well know we had a new carpet fitted, but unfortunately we've recently discovered that due to an unintentional stumble, a spilt goblet of sacrificial blood and a copy of the communist manifesto, our new carpet is now possessed by the vengeful spirit of Karl Marx and has started eating people. Probably in a misguided attempt to assimilate enough of the proletariat in order to grow into some gargantuan, fleshy uber-carpet in order to smash the bourgeoise once and for all. Honourable intentions and all, but we can't have him eating the customers, so we've contacted the Vatican, The Communist Party of Britain and Shake n' Vac in order to restore order and send Marx back to the afterlife, where he can play Monopoly for all eternity with Ozzy Osbourne, Vincent price and Sir Clive Sinclair. Maybe.

So, apologies for that, but normal service will be resumed on Friday 19th. And before anyone says something, this has nothing to do with the Stockport b**r festival today. Nothing at all. NOTHING!!

In short: Closed today, open tomorrow, possessed carpet.
Cheerio!

24/05/2026

Hello all. An unusual card has been found near our place on Melbourne Street. Unfortunately it doesn't have a name on it, but it calls itself an EML Commercial Prepaid card. Only thing on the back reads "unable to sign".

Anyway, whatever it is, we'll hold onto it for a period up to and including one week before it's fed to the accused Pain Dragon.

Cheerio.

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and those tiny, black and white spiders that scurry about the outside of your house whe...
22/05/2026

Good afternoon ladies, gentlemen and those tiny, black and white spiders that scurry about the outside of your house when it's warm. Just a quick post informing you of our b**r selection this weekend, guaranteed to contain
absolutely no micro-plastics, but plenty of micro-asbestos and even micro-onions. Swings and roundabouts, innit?

Kirkstall- Three Swords (crisp and refreshing, 4.5%)

Black Edge- Spring (hoppy pale, 4.2%)

Red Willow- Feckless (best bitter, 4.1 %)

Well, we hope to see you this weekend, and during this warm weather, do try to look after your intestines. Take them out once a week, give them a good wash out with dettol and warm water, and hang them out to air for an afternoon (a quick spray of fabreeze always helps) before coiling them up and swallowing them again. Remember: Clean guts, clean mind.

Cheerio!

Address

41 Melbourne Street
Stalybridge
SK152JJ

Opening Hours

Wednesday 4pm - 11pm
Thursday 4pm - 11pm
Friday 4pm - 11pm
Saturday 1pm - 11pm
Sunday 1pm - 6pm

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