13/06/2026
🍺 A LANDLORD’S GUIDE TO ORDERING (FOR THE SOCIALLY INEPT) 🍺
Since I spent most of last night staring at the back of people's heads while they held a parliamentary inquiry at the pumps, I’ve written a guide.
Print it.
Tattoo it on your forearm.
I don't care, as long as you stop wasting my life. 🤨
👉 1. The Queue* is Not a Waiting Room
If you’ve been standing there for five minutes, that was your "thinking time." If you are now being asked what I can get you and you say, "Ooh, umm…what do I want?", I will skip you. This isn't Deal or No Deal. Know your order or go to the back of the queue* and meditate on your failures.
👉 2. The Guinness First Mandate
If you want the black stuff, say it first. If the word "Guinness" comes out of your mouth after the phrase "and finally," I’m charging you a Stupidity Tax. Lead with the stout so it can settle while I deal with the rest of your nonsense.
👉 3. The "One Payer" Rule
If there are six of you, pick a leader. I am not running six separate transactions because you lot haven't mastered the concept of "rounds." One person pays. The rest of you can squabble over the change back at the table.
👉 4. The Handbag Deep-Dive
Locate your card before I tell you the price. If I have to watch you start a deep-sea salvage mission in your bag only AFTER I’ve rung it up, I’m going for a fag break (and I don’t even smoke any more)!
👉 5. Clear the Runway
The centre bar is a point of transaction, not a communal garden. There’s a sign above your head for a reason. Take your pints, take your pork scratchings, and vanish into the shadows of the snug. I can’t keep the lights on if I can’t serve anybody else today.
👨🏾⚖️ THE VERDICT:
Follow these steps and we might both survive the shift without me needing a tequila and a lie-down in a darkened room.
📝 YOUR HOMEWORK:
Which one of your mates is the most guilty of breaking these rules, and why is it their turn to buy the next round?
Tag the culprit below. 👇👇👇
(And if you're coming in tonight...remember to order the Guinness first.)
*and don’t get me started on fu***ng queues again!
