Downlands Brewery

13/05/2026

11/03/2026

dear production team

while we are reluctant to discourage your efforts (and we are of course forever looking for new ways to supercharge the business) we are a tiny bit concerned about how you've interpreted the government's push to grow the economy by putting AI in everything. We did not think it would be practical to put artificial intelligence into beer and, even if that were possible, that the results would not be an improvement over the previous analogue product.

We've witnessed a headlong rush to force AI willy-nilly into everything yet many of the things that now have AI inserted for no discernible reason have not, in our opinion, been improved by it tagging along. Most of them have actually disimproved the user experience by the addition of AI tools.

There are clearly some very specific, limited situations where using an AI tool is of profound benefit but they are isolated scenarios. Beer is almost certainly not on that list.

Yours

Award Winning Sales Force

16/01/2026

dear production team

It's been a while since we last raised our trade prices. The relentless onslaught of minimum wage rises, beer duty increases and business rates hikes has lead us to a point where we can no longer absorb or offset these additional tax burdens. Quite frankly it baffles us that the current administration have announced a raft of policies that appear, to our untrained minds, to be specifically targeted to stifle the growth they publicly claim to want to encourage.

From the 1st Feb we will be actioning a small upwards change in the price point of our products to ensure we can continue as a functioning business that retains all its employees. Imagine if we had to reduce our workforce? You could hardly be expected to successfully sell as much beer if we did not exist.

Thankfully due to the diligent attention of senior management we do not have to pick apart that philosophical quandary.

Yours

Award Winning Sales Force

29/12/2025

dear production team,

We see that you've finally packaged some more casks and we now have all three core beers back in stock. If only you'd managed to do that earlier we could have lifted our record sales for December even higher than the magnificent total we reached.

Only a few more days until 2026 starts and the process begins again. Hopefully you'll do better next year in matching our ability and we can propel the business ever forward.

Yours

Award Winning Sales Force

05/11/2025

dear production team

as you know we've already beaten the sales target for 2025. When it was set by Senior Management at the start of the year we suspect they hadn't factored in just how brilliant we are!

We're still waiting to find out just how large our reward will be but we are lead to understand that you were allowed to brew anything you liked. You think that a higher strength cask porter will be difficult for us to sell? Challenge accepted and game on!

Yours

Award Winning Sales Force

29/10/2025

dear production team

We realise that it might appear, to the uninformed, that we've not been working recently but nothing could be further from the truth. We've all downloaded a well known beer rating app as part of our ongoing efforts to better understand and engage with our adoring public in order to increase sales!

We have to admit the similarity between the app and a video game that kids play is quite surprising; gym badges, shinys, mythicals, legendarys, region specific collectables, the quest to have things that your friends do not.

The other astonishing thing we discovered is that a lot of the players on this beery app, from the comments they leave, don't actually seem to like beer! This confused us immensely until we realised that collecting badges and completing your beeridex is far more addictive than many illegal substances reputedly are.

We must dash. One of our friends on the app has just ticked a new release that we need to complete our next task.

yours

Award Winning Sales Force

03/09/2025

dear production team

After a month of being stuck on the wrong side of an age verification checkpoint we're once again ready to engage with the world. Before you make any snarky and wildly incorrect assumptions let us clearly state the website that propelled us into a terrifying digital hall of mirrors was related to a serious medical issue we were researching and not what you're currently thinking.

We asked our neighbours' children for help, as teenagers are far more technologically literate than adults, but clearly we misunderstood their advice. With hindsight sitting for weeks with excruciatingly painful (but, we feel, expertly crafted) VPL while trying to get online wasn't the most enlightened choice we've ever made. Once their mirth over our anguish had subsided those same youngsters did something confusing with our computers but now they function normally again.

The stress of being isolated from the world for a month has destroyed our positivity so we will be taking the rest of the week off to recover.

Yours

Award Winning Sales Force

26/07/2025

dear production team,

We've all been woken early this morning by this message hitting our personal telephones.

"This time the joke's on you Downlands! Since we last spoke, I have asked ChatGPT how to go about removing hops from beer. Apparently, I simply need to strain the wort (I assume that's the word for horribly hoppy beer) through some cloth - for example, my socks.

I also got some friends to smuggle me some high strength malt tablets back from Thailand. (Please don't ask where they put them to get through Gatwick customs.) I then ordered 5,000 stickers as per the attached photo. I'm sure you can see where this is going...

My plan is as simple as it is fiendish. I will be following your delivery van around Sussex. Please ask your driver to go slowly, as I don't drive so will be on my space hopper (I hate that name). You won't recognise me as I'll be wearing a bunny rabbit onesie.

I will be sneaking into the pubs you deliver to and attaching one of my stickers to any Missing Flux pump clips. I will then simply wait for emergency calls from discerning drinkers, before immediately space hoppering over to the pub they're in when called. (NB Depending on where in Sussex the pub is, 'immediately' could mean anything up to three days.)

I will then fix the caller's pint of Missing Flux by straining it through my socks and/or pants (to remove the hops) and adding a generous amount of malt tablets. As well as making it drinkable, this additional malt (based on my very limited understanding of brewing) will also increase the ABV to a more acceptable level.

I will be charging £1 a pint, 50p a half, £2 a schooner (only rich hipsters order schooners) for this valuable service. The stinger for you: I will be using the money I raise to bribe politicians to pass a law making it illegal to add hops to dark beer.

Revenge is sweet (and not hoppy) mwahahaha. Love, Mister Adam x"

Quite how our personal phone numbers were made available will be subject to intense scrutiny once we return to the office. Suffice it to say we are not amused and we warned you this would happen.

Yours

Award Winning Sales Force

25/07/2025

dear production team

We are absolutely certain that we told you to make an imperial stout as there was a huge gap in the marketplace that we could easily sell in to. How has that ended up as a lower strength stout that additionally has a ridiculous amount of hops added to it? Not only have you deliberately ignored our creative input but now we are also going to take an untold amount of grief from Mr Adam when he finds out.

Yours

Award Winning Sales Force.

09/07/2025

dear production team

We come back after a much deserved week of holiday and what do we find? One of you childish buggers has stolen all of our chargers and cables. Suffice it to say we are not amused by your antics. Not amused at all

Yours

Award Winning Sales Force