05/06/2026
CARL
🇬🇧 The Greenside Veteran
Position: Duty Manager / Defensive Midfielder
Height: 5’11
Build: Built like he clears kegs for cardio
Preferred Foot: The one not slipping into the bottle bin
Club legend. Been at The Greenside so long historians believe he helped lay the original buildings carpet. He has survived more managers than a relegation-battling Premier League club and now legally counts as part of the fixtures and fittings.
Known as the pub dad (or uncle kn****ad of the squad. Permanently looks furious despite insisting “that’s just my face.”
Delivers sarcasm at Premier League pace and will absolutely not allow a stupid comment to go unpunished. If you say something daft, expect it to be pointed out by Carl before you’ve even finished your sentence.
Possesses 14 years of bar knowledge but unfortunately can’t remember where he put most of it. Claims he’s had that many jobs thrown at him that his memory’s full. Probably true.
Somehow still knows every inch of the pub better than the fire exits do.
Special abilities include:
• Appearing in the pub on every day off. He's like Beetlejuice, say his name 3 times and there he is
• Doing more work off shift than on shift
• Taking the mick out of staff and calling it character building.
• Thinking he’s the funniest person in the building
• Falling over in increasingly cinematic ways
Career highlights: 🏆
Dropped a full tray of glasses in spectacular fashion
🏆 Followed it up the next day by launching himself into a bottle bin during a wake
🏆 Became the only man to receive VAR checks while carrying Stella
Weaknesses:
• Memory
• Gravity
Fans say he’s the glue holding the place together.
Critics say he’s mainly held together by caffeine and sarcasm.
