16/06/2020
“Come
Come a little bit closer
What? Don't you like my make up?
is it because it's all messy and ruined by tears and sweat?
Or maybe it's the colors? Don't you like them?
(Life, Healing, Sunlight, Nature, Peace, and Spirit) are not your favorite shades?
Come a little bit closer,
Maybe you'll hear a voice similar to a rusty old machine, tired but still working.
That's the voice of my breath
Exhausted
Fractured
As I am awake even when I am sleeping
As everything I do is an act of battling not living,
Breathing is battling
Eating is battling
Thinking is battling
Learning is battling
Screaming is battling
Sleeping is battling
Existing is an act of battling for survival as hungry wolves howl for my flesh cause it’s an easy hunt for them.
Come a little bit closer,
Maybe you'll smell my blood,
I've been bleeding for ages now and I know you'll like the smell
I know it turns on the animalistic side in you
I know It makes your pupils dilate and your mouth drool.
Oh, what now?!
What's bothering you?
My blood's color shade is different than yours?
Oh, I am sorry, I'll try to fix what’s unfixable in front of you, fix what wasn’t broken from the first place, just to show you how absurd you are.
But please help me when I faint
give me a break when I fall
Or at least let me rest,
Let me rest beyond the imaginary limits and borders you created for the sake of ma********ng in front of a mirror, feeling yourself, admiring how powerful you are.
Come a little bit closer
Maybe you'll hear your chains while they break my bones when I try to escape from all of this,
and believe me when I say that broken bones won't stop me from running;
Maybe for you, I'll start dancing to the melodies the chains are playing composed by my body, your arrogance, and your ignorance.
Maybe you'll see that I am not smiling,
That I am really grinding my teeth out of pain,
That what's running down my face is not a tear colored red from my make up,
It's a tear made of blood
That came after an unfortunate series of events designed by you
which started with me being my own self;
Imagine and think about how being my own self had become yet another knife held against my throat.
Come
Come a little bit closer
Maybe I'll tell you the truth,
I'll tell you that it wasn't just a quickie in a dark alleyway with a stranger,
I’ll tell you about connection, I’ll tell you about how my words cannot hold how it feels like when I see HIS smile,
I'll tell you that I had an illegal ring in my back pocket,
Or maybe I was lying, maybe it was in fact just a quickie with a stranger,
then I'll tell you that the stories of my bed are my stories, not yours.
I'll tell you about all the dreams you shattered
all the goodbyes you structured
all the tears you created,
Even if my voice shakes I'll tell you about all the heartache while looking straight into your eyes hoping that you’ll empathize, sympathize, that you’ll understand the damage you made.
Perhaps I won’t talk at all,
maybe with my blood I'll paint you an artistic painting that probably “won’t be available in our location” right after you see it.
Come a little bit closer
And look at the bigger picture inside my eyes;
Maybe you’ll see that god is god and you’re not one.
That my body belongs to me, not to you, not to the mosque, not to the church, not to any temple, not to the streets, not to who gave birth to me, not to the government, it belongs to me. ME.
Maybe you’ll see that you murdered my sister, an angle, you touched and bruised HER body, crucified her soul, tormented her brain, tortured and abused her heart to a point where she said
“السما أحلي من الأرض، و أنا عايزه السما مش الأرض",
and now she’s up there, she got what she lastly wanted but not what I wanted for her, I wanted her to be at home on a couch far away from your psychological and physical chains, tired between her lover’s arms after a long working day, talking about how she hated the weather and her boss’s attitude that morning, waiting patiently for her fast food delivery so she can finally eat, maybe make love then fall asleep with a dog or a cat under her bed.
I don’t know if that would’ve made her really happy or am I just projecting, but I just wanted our life to look, sound, smell, feel and be like a life, I wanted it to be that easy and tender for all of us. I didn’t want her life to be remembered as a harsh one. Oh how I wish she and her partner had played the limbo with that rope on a warm Friday night instead.
Just know that:
You ended my sister’s life,
You killed her soul,
it wasn’t by mistake,
you heard her scream while you laughed,
you knew what you were doing,
You murdered a human being after watching her bleeding for years because of the scars you gave her.
Think about that.
Overthink it.
Maybe then, just maybe you'll feel some remorse and warmth in your heart.
So please,
For the love of the god you claim you believe in,
Just give me a chance
And come a little bit closer.” -Ahmad Ismail
