12/24/2024
TWAS THE AFTERNOON BEFORE CHRISTMAS 🎄:
Twas the afternoon before Christmas, and all through the bar, the cretins were stirring, brews a many hitting them hard.
The fridges were emptied, having been curated with care, to help patrons with in-laws who would soon be there
Some had been nestled all snug in their beds, while hungover visions of stouts & DIPAs danced in their heads.
And Hayley in her new crewneck, and I in my new cap, Had just settled our till after a long shift at that,
When out on the street there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the N64 couch to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and opened up the cash.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But an Uber black, and 8 thirsty patrons showing up for 1 beer.
With a little old driver, so grumpy and quick, I knew in a moment he must be a bit of a prick. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
“Now Jordan! now, Alyse! now, Racheal and Justin! Amanda! On, Derek! on, Dave and Kristen!
To the door of the bar! Over the snow squall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
And then, in a twinkling, I heard out the front, The grumbling and yelling of a disgruntled lump. As I drew in my head, and was turning around, the Uber driver came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with McDonalds and soot. A bundle of Phones he had flung from his back, And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
The stump of a v**e he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly, That shook when he seldomly laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And returned the patrons phones, then turned with a jerk. And laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving the finger, out the door he goes!
He sprang to his Elantra, to Siri gave a whistle, And away the little car went like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy f*ckin’ Christmas to all, and tip better next time!”
