Ballard's 915 high st thornbury

04/11/2026

Pillowy. There I'm gonna say it. Pillowy. Soft. Moreish.

It's gnocchi.

30% flour to the weight of your oven roasted, salt baked Dutch creams. Passed through a drum sieve with the least amount of action. Then combined with fourteen, FOURTEEN folds (no more, no less) to make a delicate dough. Rested for 30 min, rolled, cut, rested again all because good things take time.

Pan fried and served with sausage, cavalo nero and finished with a nutty pumpkin seed brown butter that I'm particularly proud of.

Eat. Love. Live.

Haha writing generic food copy is easy, lets see if I can stick the landing.

It's bougie potato gems for people who's personality is derived from an Ancestry DNA home kit report who were gullible enough to voluntarily provide their genetic code to a data mining facility in exchange for a chance to lecture someone about grana padano with fake authority.

Dammit...

03/11/2026

Am I feeling better after a day of cat cuddling and avoidance?

Maybe. Maybe even galvanised enough to make the trip into the C*D at some point this week to vote in my stupid peoples stupid election, which due to a voter registration technicality, I can't do online as its important to participate so that there will be hopefully be something still left standing in the homeland after I get deported for whatever trumped up reason the One Nation bloc uses to declare that I am now undesirable (it's probably gonna be related to my actions after an umpires call LBW decision robs us of our legacy like a deflected run out attempt to the boundary that was miscounted.. MISCOUNTED as 4 runs and not 3 in the World cup final and anyhow, I don't know how the fire started but the MCG was very dry that day)

Rested up and ready to go, full of ideas and no regrets as i stare down the barrel of several months of being understaffed and someone has just told me that the twin icebergs of "Meredith" & "Golden Plains" have just broken off from the Sermersuaq ice shelf and are about to start decimating Atlantic shipping. Really? The whole kitchen is sick those two particular weekends? Hmmmm

Cats will soothe me though. Mr fluffy bottom tames my dark impulses. Whats that though? I should burn it all? Burn it all down? Why that's not very nice Mr fluffy bottom but you are in charge so I'll get the kerosene.

02/11/2026

Even a stupid broken prat can be right twice a day. Open tonight and I sincerely promise to not mention the cricket at all. Mainly because NZ is coming and i know we get the yips real bad when getting lost in Captain Dream boats twinklies and id rather not yeat in hubris' eye. It's our year right lads?!? Lads?!?

01/11/2026

Ah racing season, when we can sit back and watch as socialism gives way to socialising and we all forget how grim life is. Unemployed? Wear a fascinator! Broke? gamble everything on a long shot punt! Recovering addict? Dress in your best king hit defence clothes and soil yourself at 3pm whilst waiting to use the one communal porta potty available to you and several hundred other people that work in some ill defined finance or real estate capacity who have been sculling chardy from the bottle since 8am. Magic.

How many public holidays really need to be allocated to sport and carnage? Where’s the National whispering jack day, where kids go door to door adorned with yellow mullets chanting "make a noise and make it clear" before being rewarded with tiny bottles of crown l***r to gorge on whilst the adults dress up as Daryl Braithwaite and try & steal them. Let’s celebrate the arts people.

But anyways, when you're stuck in traffic with your sun burnt ruddy back, making bets on Melbourne cup derby day, I'll be in my greasy spoon, with a needle and good tunes, and another girl to take my pain away.

F**k horse racing, inspite of being from a long line of jockeys (they used to tease me ever so much, just look at the freak they’d say, he’s over 6 foot, the only thing that hulking mouth breather is good for is shoveling s**t and being used as a washing line for our silks. Let's just punch them at their readily accessible groinal area shich is head height for us until they leave and we can do another feature in Woman's Day) I'm happy to let this one go.

Closed Tuesday.

31/10/2026

The perfect Xmas gift for friends, lovers or even isolated loners lacking ties to society who are one rejection away from righting some wrongs, is available for preorder now on our website thanks to the wonderful work of the ever charming Mino Peric

Almost 200 pages of COLOUR photographs, recipes, reflective thoughts and the reigniting of long standing feuds this is the Billy Corgan guest appearance on a podcast of cook books (did you know that Kurt Cobain directly stole both the guitar tone and my recipe for lions mane mushroom for Nevermind? Butch Vig told me that....)

The first book was a deliberate f**k you, this is the "I'm back on my meds" Kanye style apology. Maybe about 60 recipes? I don't know i can't be assed counting but it sure is the answer to the questions that no one is asking.

What it is though is quality. Quality local printing, quality community vibes, quality fun. Your children will beg to be read from this each evening. Daddy!!Daddy!!! please read me the bit again where he gets distracted midway through the recipe for the beloved burnt eggplant dip and goes on an extended rant about hospitality mega groups thats my favourite! The sweaty man is so silly!

It is currently with the printers and I anticipate shipping to begin mid November. Limited numbers. I won't regret the size of this print run, so please alleviate my anxiety and buy a copy. I am scared and have debts no honest man can pay.

All ordering thru our website https://ballards.web.app/shop

$50 to pick up. $56 with postage.

Payid because i refuse to give anyone else a cut of my labour.

Hopefully a better system this time than just a pen and paper and hope.

Woo. I am excited.

Shop Ballard's cookbooks and other things from 915 High Street, Thornbury.

30/10/2026

Argh it's too busy!

Argh it's too quiet!

Argh I just had to threaten a real estate broker with legal action in order to get them to reply to an email!

This goldilocks is all out of f**ks and has nothing left to lose. I spend my days hostage negotiating with parasitic middlemen who all have a hand out for my hard won percentages. Being squeezed. Being squeezed by payment platforms, fuel excise charges, price increases, sad w**e makers with kind eyes. You ever been threatened by a natural w**e maker to pay your bills?

It's like being savaged by an apology. You just feel cloaked in shame and then you're guilted into buying more and are left staring at a bottle of something lightly burping on your shelf that you think was meant to be pet nat but it tastes like what happens when a peat bog catches fire.

My arms are mostly burns anyways after last nights service. Branding is still cool right? Raised flesh, welts in the shape of a smiley face. Perfect. No scars on the inside for me. They perfectly visible as a walking red flag.

Will the wave crash? Not as long as walk ins keep a coming. Book now.

What a time to be alive.

29/10/2026

Websters dictionary describes an amuse-bouche (pronounced ah-mooz-boosh) as a single, bite-sized hors d'œuvre that is served complimentary at the start of a meal in order to stimulate the palate.

But that, like the main stream assessment of Tom Cruise's seminal masterpiece "Digger" where I now believe that Xenu was right and he is the godking messiah we deserve, is missing so much because we need to force things to live in convenient boxes with convenient little stories made up about them and with convenient little definitions.

Here at Ballard's we accept the fact that a small bite can merely be described as an attempt to get the mouth juices flowing but we think you’re crazy to have a dictionary definition define it.

You see a small bite as you want to see it: in the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions. You see it as a palate cleanser, a palate stimulator, a way to use up food hitting its expiry date and pass it off as a gift to the customer, a way to experiment with low risk returns as its just a small bite and a Criminal.

Correct? That’s the way we saw this dish of rich mushroom & port parfait with a green tomato & date relish atop crisp bread before service. We were brainwashed.

Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Ballard's Club.

La, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

28/10/2026

Are you the type of person who likes mystery on your menu or are you the type who's hand needs to be held and comfort provided.

Would you rather read

Jerusalem artichoke, curry leaf, sesame & lentil

Or

Chefs special slow roasted jerusalem artichoke medley with our spin on a French & Indian fusion of barigoule & curry leaf with rich sesame yoghurt and crispy onions to finish.

I know what i prefer. Mystery in my pantry and mystery in my soul. Surprise me I'll confidently announce. I trust you to have the skill to make this work and i am suitably intrigued by what you have dangled in front of me like a wingtip under a toilet cubicle door.

Or we could just split the difference and I provide some gentle clues about what the hells going on and we all can all make an informed decision.

Unless you're the type of person to ask if they'll enjoy this dish as they dont really like artichoke and how artichokey is the artichoke dish at which point I give up and lock myself in the cool room

27/10/2026

Feeling less shame than normal, it's like pride before the fall.

Look at it. Almost 200 pages. In colour, of every thought that I've ever had spat directly onto the page.

The first step towards selling out. Or was it when i removed the tv's playing music videos and let the staff play house music. Had i compromised myself years ago? Probably.

But i might just take some of you down with me.

Purchasing instructions will be issued shortly as I'm still trying to calm down after that conversation with an online retailing platform that wanted 1.7% and a 50c per item fee per unit.

Did we lose a war? We have cash. We have laneways. We have the will.

The people are strong and I will not be bezos' angry victim no more.

More instructions coming shortly