Ballard's 915 high st thornbury

Ballard's 915 high st thornbury All plant based food & wine bar. Casual tunes, quality drinks, delicate and homely food. For online bookings, head to
https://linktr.ee/ballards

God I've never been happier. This beast, specifically designed for aged care facilities where the need to puree a whole ...
19/06/2026

God I've never been happier. This beast, specifically designed for aged care facilities where the need to puree a whole chicken (bones and all) into a nutritional paste is paramount, can process so much eggplant dip it's a little scary. And because it's such a niche product no one wants to buy them because the other mean chefs will just say that ain't an R2 look at this moron he doesn't even have a thermomix but I just laugh and know that I got this 7k new machine for about $600 and only had to drive to camberwell and be surrounded by the dying. So suck it open kitchen losers with your combi ovens and water baths I'm in VOLUME town and it's a big town,

Look, if you want an unblinking psychopath asking someone for the 20th time that night if their mother is actually their...
17/06/2026

Look, if you want an unblinking psychopath asking someone for the 20th time that night if their mother is actually their sister because she looks SOOOOO young then you do you but I won't have any sympathy when you get trapped in a van helping them move a couch later that night. Right precious? Right.

You know who can be glib, superficially charming and able to turn it off and on on demand as they code switch and make sure that everyone trusts and loves them? Serial killers and perverts and I for one prefer the grumpy honesty of the kitchen petty criminal to the grandiosity of a future serious HBO documentary post mortem examination about smilin' bob the beloved star maître d of whatever venue fleeces the neurotypical with tired banter and fake friendliness.

As long as my order is correct and I'm not thirsty, I could not care less about the amount smiles, being happy to see me, or whatever else it is that passes for competency amongst the sad majority as apparently the worst thing that can ever happen to them is for a 20 year old to explode with joy in their presence.

Shine on pod people. Your future children will no doubt consider limiting your access to technology a big priority as you've just lost all your money again to a promised easy solution from a former fish & chip operator turned politician and someone really keen to talk to you about a problem with your Amazon account if you can just confirm your credit card details.

Food is more important than service

The maesters say it’s "just a blister," but I know the truth, my soul has been tested and my arrogance laid bare.Hubris ...
15/06/2026

The maesters say it’s "just a blister," but I know the truth, my soul has been tested and my arrogance laid bare.

Hubris thy name is TAMPHETAMINE LOGIC

I stand determined but am threatened by my left-handed clumsiness, but my weakness is no match for my determination. Will I find out who I really am when I can't just slice my way through life with my wet charm like a gilded golden maned lily or will I remain an unrepentant villain of the inner north, loathed by customers who think they can turn just up 45minutes late to a booking and be spared the consequences of my wrath.

Expect a dramatic character shift, perhaps even a triumphant third act where I brood a lot and look at paying for expedited shipping of a solid gold pair of plating tweezers before accepting my role as an older mentor for the va**ng class.

15/06/2026

Sunday roast day

Start: 9am
Finish: 11:30pm

We prepped.

20kg lions mane
40kg Brussel sprouts
20kg sweet potato
12 shredded bunches tuscan kale
10kg turnip
45kg potato
25 litres of gravy
20kg carrot
10 shredded cabbage
5kg shredded beetroot
30 cauliflower
10litres cheese sauce
10kg of cake baked
10 cheesecakes made
10litres of ice cream

Had to buy $800 worth of additional new pans, containers and plates

Served: 184 roasts & 184 desserts

One blistered finger and tennis elbow

And after all that... I think we managed to just about break even...

Why don't you just do it again?

Hmmmmm....

For the 64
14/06/2026

For the 64

Then he ran. He never looked back at the fire. He just ran. He ran until the sun came up and he couldn't run any further...
13/06/2026

Then he ran. He never looked back at the fire. He just ran. He ran until the sun came up and he couldn't run any further. And when the sun went down, he ran again. For five days he ran like this until every sign of man had disappeared.

How are you gonna f**k up this success there T Dazzle? Claim that you're bigger than Jesus?In cooking ability? Damn stra...
11/06/2026

How are you gonna f**k up this success there T Dazzle? Claim that you're bigger than Jesus?

In cooking ability? Damn straight. He only fed
12 at the last supper and wasn't rotating that table 3 tables like I'm expected to. Sure there was the loaves and fishes fiasco but that's easy, it's just overhyped inner city bakeries that want you to think that breads hard and worth standing in line for. You know who made bread? People thousands of years ago that never witnessed the advanced delights of kindle reading a book about a talking cat in a dungeon listing to Wham.

Easy.

Ballard's: Jesus wishes he built my roast rod

If you're worried about having enough staff for a stupid event that you vastly underestimated the popularity of, you'll ...
09/06/2026

If you're worried about having enough staff for a stupid event that you vastly underestimated the popularity of, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the unreliable devils are really just non stop va**ng angels, freeing you from the earth.

It's just a matter of how you look at it

There's been a lot of talk recently about ongoing bullying issues in hospitality with known as****es like Mr Noma rightf...
08/06/2026

There's been a lot of talk recently about ongoing bullying issues in hospitality with known as****es like Mr Noma rightfully copping a lot of flak. But in these conversations we often overlook the real victims of workplace harassment, the beleaguered chef owner/operator who is the most common target of indefensible bullying and mean jibes about how perhaps it's time to stop wearing skinny jeans.

I had a sleep study conducted over the weekend to see which in the race between sleep apnoea and small business ownership would kill me first, had to return to work looking like I was wired up either to self detonate in love of a cause or maybe just cosplay as robocop.

And the laughter. The meanness. The cruelty. It lingers even now.

Indefensible and perhaps a reminder that the real victims as they ever were, are the cis het white guys aged 40-65 who skin is as thin as that hairline.

Shame. For shame.

I often get asked why we don't do our legendarily excessive Sunday roasts anymore, to which I reply that having one day ...
07/06/2026

I often get asked why we don't do our legendarily excessive Sunday roasts anymore, to which I reply that having one day off a week is kinda a necessity for my well-being.

Rather than accepting that as an answer, people generally just tell me, "Well, that's just leaving money on the table." Apparently, there's something selfish about me not opening up on Father's Day, or Mother's Day, or whatever specific day that individual is feeling personally inconvenienced by us being closed.

I'm sorry I choose to spend one day a week with my son rather than working.

And then we just sit there staring at each other as they realize that, once again, they failed to accept that people who work in hospitality are people and they recognise how this conversation makes them look like a massive, entitled prick, and then we all merrily agree to go our separate ways.

Anyhoo - this is a very long walk to make you all feel very guilty about the fact that we are in fact doing this as a ONE OFF event designed to selflessly provide joy to those whose constant demands on others are the death of a thousand cuts pushing a disgruntled service worker forever closer to the edge.

One night only. Think all the food. Golden crispy potatoes, luscious cheesy bakes, rich unctuous gravy, some kinda of mushroom, tangy salad, surprised brussel sprouts and even Yorkshire puddings if I can get my op shop scavenge on in time and find muffin trays otherwise it's THE SLAB. Just..... one..... touch....

It even includes dessert. What fun we will have.

I'm excited. Well as excited as I can be which is heavily medicated and grumpy but that's still an emotion.

Sunday June 14th. Bookings available now.

No other food options available. Don't be selfish.

Address

915 High Street Thornbury
Melbourne, VIC
3071

Opening Hours

Wednesday 6pm - 10pm
Thursday 6pm - 10pm
Friday 6pm - 10pm
Saturday 6pm - 10pm
Sunday 6pm - 10pm

Website

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