Ballard's 915 high st thornbury

Ballard's 915 high st thornbury All plant based food & wine bar. Casual tunes, quality drinks, delicate and homely food. For online bookings, head to
https://linktr.ee/ballards

Now, as a habitual line-stepper and self-sabotager, my attitude towards the majority of technology has always been to re...
22/09/2026

Now, as a habitual line-stepper and self-sabotager, my attitude towards the majority of technology has always been to regard it as idiot-proofing for lead-poisoned matcha drinkers whose exposure to heavy metals will once again usher in a golden age of serial killers and, hopefully, series three of Mindhunter.

Technology is a barrier to community. Every online booking platform a denial of decency. Every digital POS system with a kitchen printer another barrier being raised. Every automated AI chatbot a lie.

The fires that burn within me are fuelled by the constant irritation of spending my days confronted by petty reminders that while the individual can be superb, the mob shouldn’t be allowed near water without floaties, as someone calls me for the 12th time to enquire what time their 7:30pm booking is for.

You know… normal stuff. I don't want this removed because i'm worried I'll lose my edge.

But like a person who swears this is the last time they’re using the convenience and low prices of Amazon to make a purchase, I am losing my humanity one concession at a time, accepting my fate in the warm embrace of our own destruction at the hands of digital supremacy.

Digital supremacy like our BRAND NEW WEBSITE!

A website that was not simply thrown together as a placeholder for those who regard a page as unprofessional because they’re elitist pigs who believe the ability to buy a domain name is the hallmark of quality.

Now, I would never have done this myself, as I keep a loaded pistol on my nightstand in case my analogue printer beeps. Cylons. Always Cylons.

But the magnificent offered to gussy the whole thing up for reasons that remain unexplained, and we now have a visual feast of art filled with New Zealand-based Easter eggs and some light choking.

I believe that is either Marco Pierre White or Henry Cavill throttling me, but I’m too scared to clarify.

It has vibes. It’s us. It’s perfect.

So feast your eyes.

It’s even easy to update the menu.

(I won’t. I’m not gonna lie.)

No excuses.

And I, for one, eagerly await the dominance of Skynet.

Would you cook for me? I’d cook for me. I’d cook for me so hard.Don't feel like doing the set menu? Thats ok you can mak...
21/09/2026

Would you cook for me? I’d cook for me. I’d cook for me so hard.

Don't feel like doing the set menu? Thats ok you can make all your own choices and get exactly what you want. Isn't that right precious!

"How many FOH shifts is this for you?" "Thirty eight... simulated." "How many actual Friday night services ?""Uh, two. I...
20/09/2026

"How many FOH shifts is this for you?"
"Thirty eight... simulated."
"How many actual Friday night services ?"
"Uh, two. Including this one"

It's a causal job. You'll need some experience and we all know the training simulations leave a little to be desired. It'll be 2-3 shifts a week and does include weekends. I'm not gonna lie and write a thousand words about ethos, culture and value. Those are just hollow words delivered with a straight face by the worst people you'll ever meet so we can just skip that. You're a grunt in the machine, a soldier in the corp, and this business has a substantial dollar value attached to it so please refrain from nuking it from orbit.

You'll be replacing those who have betrayed us by getting a "real" job in a field that isn't hospitality because they clearly think they're better

And remember, the customers mostly come at night... mostly...

In this kitchen we respect the French and despise the convenient hybridisation of culture, so we use only the traditiona...
20/09/2026

In this kitchen we respect the French and despise the convenient hybridisation of culture, so we use only the traditional, tiny and demandingly irritating classic shallot. That unholy spawn of an onion, the goddamn banana shallot, the nepo baby of the allium family, belongs in the bin, no matter how convenient it might be.

Good things take time and the results speak for themselves.

Unless, of course, it’s me who has to peel and chop them. In which case I’ll get a little kilo bag of the long fu***rs in for myself

As a small business owner and chef, I must admit to a level of insecurity when it seems like everybody else gets to have...
19/09/2026

As a small business owner and chef, I must admit to a level of insecurity when it seems like everybody else gets to have deep-seated personal relationships with growers and farmers, while I struggle to even find a generic vege middleman I won’t eventually watch being detained by police outside my premises as he screams that he doesn’t recognise the power of the state because he’s a sovereign citizen.

I’m just jealous, I guess.

Every time I go out to eat, I end up having some FOH superstar tell me how they spent the day amongst the fields of the Bellarine, where a farmer showed them a tomato that tasted like the sun because it had poetry written on its skin. They were hand-fed morsels freshly plucked from ancient vines before crying together as they realised that everything will one day die.

Meanwhile, I’m left staring at a box of suspiciously “wet” tomato seconds that speak in monotones and dance like Marc Almond.

How do I meet lonely farmers? Is it on Hinge? Are there private parties like in Eyes Wide Shut, where entrance is gatekept by elites who have the time and privilege to spend a pleasant afternoon foraging while I’m still unclogging my own shunts like a goddamn peasant? Maintaining my wage costs is the difference between paying the power bill and researching squatters’ rights, rather than deciding whether to buy a second yacht.

My class insecurity will never leave me, I guess.

If you know where the old seeds still sing, tell me. I am a giant ear, wanting to meet those who till the land from Jeeps and Beamers for the wealthy who believe packaging and veneers are where true value lies.

But I make do with nothing but skill, salt and a box of discount seconds.

And these tomatoes sing.

They sing of texture and time. Of being dried and brined. Of being draped across delicate brioche and adorned with a feta made from caper brine.

Words.

God, I love the moral superiority of an opening shift
19/09/2026

God, I love the moral superiority of an opening shift

Oh asparagus - such a delight for the first few weeks as its seasonal novelty delights but then you just start resenting...
18/09/2026

Oh asparagus - such a delight for the first few weeks as its seasonal novelty delights but then you just start resenting its existence and it out stays its welcome like an old house mate crashing on your couch for a few days that become months as you realise that as we're both in our 40's now why are you even here...

Anyhoo... spring. It's a spring dish. With a ribbon in its hair and a sun dress bellowing in the gentle breeze its time is now and it is happy because it doesn't realise in a few minutes it will be violently attacked by the council's deployment of the riot squad to remove happy picnickers from the canning st median strip in civic overreach and general imprudence.

Would i call this dish asparagus, potato & sauce gribiche?

The words are perhaps true but then that is like calling Jason Derulo's song "Ridin' solo" just a song rather than an anthem for fierce individualism and generational uprising.

Technically true but doesn't do it justice.

Potatos are thinly sliced, pressed and baled for a few hours before being sliced and fried.

Asparagus is cleaned, blanched in grilled before being charred and dressed with preserved lemon.

The green sauce is made from blanched zucchini skins, dijon and parsley that has lightly pickled white zucchini dice folded through to replicate the required egg that gives gribeche its signature flavour. Finished off soft herbs and capers. Sunshine on a plate.

Do you ever think the huxtable burger chain watched that s**t storm of rightful comeuppance enveloping bill Cosby and th...
17/09/2026

Do you ever think the huxtable burger chain watched that s**t storm of rightful comeuppance enveloping bill Cosby and thought...faaaarrrrk... we really backed the wrong horse in this nostalgia race.

There they were, just gently trying to piggy back on faded happy memories with menu descriptions such as here’s the chilli burger, we call it the denise burger cos she’s the hot one hurgh hurgh, and then wham, you’ve just opened another franchise opportunity and you see that google alert letting you know that one of your burgers is named after one of histories worst evers and you just think s**t....

Or then theres the college dropout burger saga. Sometimes its hard to pick what horse to back in these attempts at cross branding.

But I'm sure I'll never regret naming our stuff from Swans albums, why he used to date Madonna and no one evil has ever dated madonna...

Sando pop up

Sunday 27th from 1pm

Why 1pm and not you know earlier? Because I'll have to get the bread on and I'm not getting up at 6am to proof bread for people that do things on Sundays.

Might take bookings. Might not. Might be first in best dressed. Will probably be order and pay at the bar like a fun pub time. Remember fun. Like a live swans album, one of the earlier ones i reckon.

Post rock sando's for post sando rockers

After a big surge in followers brought about by the eternal support of one , the patron saint of what we do here at Ball...
17/09/2026

After a big surge in followers brought about by the eternal support of one , the patron saint of what we do here at Ballard's, I initially thought I should just do a gentle picture of food with some kind of "mmmm yummo" type of copy but then realised that id only be able to keep that up for about 60 minutes before something irritated me and i was back to being passive aggressive so lets just rip that band aid off and get to the heart of Ballard's social media - a hatred for banal dog based business content and an enthusiasm for naked French men. There - I've done you a favour and speed ran you into things. You're welcome

Oh you silly geese, you're all being exploited! A story I was told years ago was about a fight breaking out at a pool ta...
16/09/2026

Oh you silly geese, you're all being exploited!

A story I was told years ago was about a fight breaking out at a pool table between Press Club chefs and the Scott Pickett crew from St Crispin where the taunts about working for a tv chef were ever so cruel.

Silly chefs... you'll both get fu**ed over equally and be delivering oil for Cookers within 10 years after your back gives out so let's put aside our differences and get some pitchfork's and head towards the good food offices.

Chat gpt has asked me to leave quietly without making a scene
15/09/2026

Chat gpt has asked me to leave quietly without making a scene

Theres always something powerfully erotic about seeing all your mise set up and ready to go.Its how I imagine a young St...
15/09/2026

Theres always something powerfully erotic about seeing all your mise set up and ready to go.

Its how I imagine a young Stanley Kubrick would have felt stealing a glance thru the window of a delicatessen in the Bronx as the workers perfectly sliced piece after piece of cold cuts and assorted other sundries to meet the precise demands of those they served. Each piece exactly the same. Weighed. Sliced. Weighed. Then sliced.

Precision. Perfection. Powerfully erotic. Like all good kitchens.

All those other shops with their sandwich shop tricksThey better run, better run to outrun all the fun we're gonna have ...
14/09/2026

All those other shops with their sandwich shop tricks

They better run, better run to outrun all the fun we're gonna have at our coming sando pop up!

So many test batches of bread. All designed to achieve perfect bread to filling ratio. Perfect textural crunch to bounce. Perfect bread flavour to perfect filling taste.

No flashing the bat signal to baker bleu here. Nope, im stupid enough to try and bulk cook schiacciata style bread with my only guide on this journey being a 30 year old turbofan oven called Al, an observer from my own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Tamlyn can see and hear.

This batch is about 10-15% underweight from where i want it to be but even then i made myself a sandwich and it was goddamn delicious.

Sunday 27th. I have no more details available as were still fine tuning the logistics. Table servixe? Bookings? Neither? Dehumanising lines? Order at the bar and we yell out only vague descriptions of who ordered?

Two chimmichurri for a wispy moustache and rats tail? No not yet Kirin J Callinan, there are about another 30 ahead of you in the queue matching that description this is Naarm after all...

Normally most of the DMs I receive are abusive threats calling me “an edgelord” because of the things I write, which I a...
14/09/2026

Normally most of the DMs I receive are abusive threats calling me “an edgelord” because of the things I write, which I always find a bit irritating really because:

A: I was banned from 4chan for political reasons.
B: I never really liked South Park.
C: I consider what I write to be more like a metaphorical snakeskin jacket, a symbol of my individuality, my belief in personal freedom, and my belief in accountability for people who don’t understand how booking times work.

So it was nice to receive something different for once: a multitude of messages demanding that our last roast night had better not actually have been our last roast night. Either people had missed out, or it had been so good they lusted for more roasts, roasts whose potato like ge****ls were like those of donkeys and whose gravy emission's were like that of horses.

Poetic. Probably even biblical.

One person even said they were flying into Melbourne to run the marathon that day, and the only thing they thought could get them through the agony of bleeding ni***es was the hope that a Ballard’s roast awaited them beyond the finish line.

And who would I be to say no?

Sunday October 11th. From 5pm. $38pp including dessert. So much food. Books out every time.

Is this the last time?

Only you can answer that riddle.

We've run out of synonyms for oily salty covered failure you wet log
12/09/2026

We've run out of synonyms for oily salty covered failure you wet log

If you're anything like me you are currently in the process of tightly wrapping discarded tea towels round your clenched...
12/09/2026

If you're anything like me you are currently in the process of tightly wrapping discarded tea towels round your clenched fists before dipping them into buckets of broken glass in anticipation of another evening of blood sport or as the layperson calls it "footy final fever" so you probably won't be requiring a table away from the action tonight.

But for those of you that aren't interested in what one man in small shorts wants secretly in his heart from the other man in small shorts then we can probably look at arranging something for you.

Inside is pretty chockers but I've cleared some space by the bins as the weathers pearler and the grease trap is mostly down wind. Romantic.

Book now before I start working the groin of my opponents like JCVD in his prime.

< addressing the assembled kitchen freaks> now gang… working in a kitchen with me is much like being in the Brian Jonest...
11/09/2026

< addressing the assembled kitchen freaks> now gang… working in a kitchen with me is much like being in the Brian Jonestown massacre.

It’s 90% plagiarism from other better sources, I am an unhinged madman who looks like the co**se of a wet sailor and there is a suspiciously large amount of sitar somewhere. Like seriously can you guys hear that? It’s like having Ravi Shankar living inside my skull… anyhoo…

But we get results!

What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Cooking! As an executive chef I stand alone in a laneway having my photograph taken and taking all the credit. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. That’s right. There i stand alone. But in the kitchen, what? Part of a team. Teamwork... we cook, we pass, we plate, and we hustle. Part of one big team. If the team doesnt follow me... what am I? No one. That’s right.

So tonight’s a big night. Boy do we have bookings, the courtyards full of foodies. What do I have to say? I'm gonna go out there for myself? Pfft - the photoshoots can wait because I get nowhere unless the team wins.

: Team! Team! Team!

One more thing, when you have an all out prize fight, it is only when that fight is over, when one guy is left standing, that's how you know who won. And we will win.

Like a tiny plant based richard milhouse nixon, the first extract from forthcoming recipe book slash memoir is getting e...
10/09/2026

Like a tiny plant based richard milhouse nixon, the first extract from forthcoming recipe book slash memoir is getting even with my detractors and college elites.

As I once again accept that there is a lag between my manic ambition and the ability to teach, explain, and have others ...
09/09/2026

As I once again accept that there is a lag between my manic ambition and the ability to teach, explain, and have others work out whatever the hell it is that i'm trying to do over there as i mutter about rochers and cartouches, i am having to write down and standardise a lot more recipes so that when i get inevitably asked how much sherry vinegar to use in that dressing i dont just reply "fu**ed if i know" before getting distracted by a 30 minute rant about people that park in laneways so I cant bring the bins in.

So im writing things down and you the consumer can soon for a nominal price have access to the raw information that streaks across my brain like the need to insert facts about James Spader into regular conversations.

Let mw know what you want to know and if I'm not ashamed about it, i might even tell you.

(Let us never discuss what went into the A Fans Notes parma ever again please)

This is not a cheftatorship, this is a community.

Speak up

In spite of doing this thing called small business ownership for years now, i still struggle to disconnect my entire men...
08/09/2026

In spite of doing this thing called small business ownership for years now, i still struggle to disconnect my entire mental wellbeing to the ebbs and flows of busyness and am only at best, maybe about 6 hours away from declaring myself an abject failure before i start looking for a stout cross beam to spare my family my eternal shame.

6 people booked for dinner tonight. Thats it... game over man. But what about that booked out Sunday night where you did 190 odd? You know... 2 days ago.
Do i look like i plan, retain information, have good impulse control or not be unremittingly motivated to chase the next even greater high?

I live in the moment and the moment is sad.

So I've distracted myself with beans. Beans. Beans that are also a monument to my failure because oh yeah we'll definitely sell that box you got in on roast night but forgot to include.

Yeah...

Anyhoo... these are charred, blackened and blistered green beans cooked to that just past crunch stage so that they're rich and buttery, served with a potato béarnaise made from pickled s**ttake vinegar and corn stock.
Topped off with pickled green beans (for reasons), charred corn and horseradish.

Ill wont be cooking them as ill be in the cool room crying.

Scamps... just eternal scamps.
08/09/2026

Scamps... just eternal scamps.

Will we have lions mane today? First thing you learn is you always gotta wait...
07/09/2026

Will we have lions mane today?
First thing you learn is you always gotta wait...

Game day. 4am. Hands on knees. Deep breath. Hearts thumping. You've done this a million times. You know what to do.Visua...
06/09/2026

Game day. 4am. Hands on knees. Deep breath. Hearts thumping. You've done this a million times. You know what to do.

Visualise. Be like Martin Crowe

LaHore

1990

Against Akram & Younis at their peak.

No nets. No throw downs. Just stand at one end of the pitch and visualise. Visualise what success looks like. What scoring a century feels like. Then do it.

Practice. Preparation. Thats for the herd. Mental strength is all you need.

Sure you'll lose the match by 9 wickets but you achieved glory for yourself.

And thats what today is about for me. I can see the successful roast night. I can see 192 meals plated perfectly. I can see a service flowing smoothly. No need to prepare food and cook. 20kg lions mane. Thats unnecessary if i just want it enough.

Thats right. We're gonna run out of food by 5:30pm because i decided that a positive attitude was all it takes...

Open from 4:30pm. Food from then as well so get in early if you can my little 5pm bookings so we can stagger stagger stagger.

a bustling inner city restaurant, once an affordable local delight that is now chasing aspirational validation from eli...
04/09/2026

a bustling inner city restaurant, once an affordable local delight that is now chasing aspirational validation from elitist c***s
Emily overheard table 9 telling her family that she was bummed that she was leaving Melbourne without getting a chance to stand in line for 2 hours for an overhyped sando someone saw on Til Tok.

What? We cant have that.

Surprise on nine.

Yes Chef

What’s the surprise?

Take a wild guess.

We're gonna give them the real Melbourne. Our melbourne. The melbourne where you used to have gauge earrings before daddy made it a condition of employment at his finance firm to have them stitched up if you're going to keep living at his Fitzroy investment property rent free.

I know you guys have probably waited a very long time to come to the nepo baby capital of Australia, where the performatively working class have the privilege to spend days waiting in line for hype as the rest of us value our time because we need those hours to make money so we don't die in a gutter, but I couldn’t live with myself if I let this beautiful family leave the inner north without sampling one of my personal favourite moments.

Wait for it. Standing in line. Fu***ng Mangia, baby

WOMAN: No. Oh!

You did not hear me say that. (gasps)

Now come with me, we will take you from this wonderfully warm table that you were able to reserve in advance because thats how things work when you're not false scarcity titillating idiots and telling them an arbitrary made up number liked we're eleventy bestest in the world according to rescue greyhound monthly, and now we are going to have you stand outside, in the rain where the endless demand by strangers for a bank transfer or cash will have you rethinking your stance
on begging and the homeless before we have you finally come back inside to be told that we had run out of sandos an hour ago.

Oh... my... God. You all are so wonderful.

No, stop it. You’re wonderful.

I can’t believe this.

(all laughing)

Enjoy, guys.

What a service!

Ballards - sando pop up. Sunday September 28th. More details coming soon

If i ever lose my passion for teaching by example, put one between my eyes
03/09/2026

If i ever lose my passion for teaching by example, put one between my eyes

Address

915 High Street Thornbury
Melbourne, VIC
3071

Opening Hours

Wednesday 6pm - 10pm
Thursday 6pm - 10pm
Friday 6pm - 10pm
Saturday 6pm - 10pm
Sunday 6pm - 10pm

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